This post is part of my series on authenticity, identity, and the cost of visibility. If you’re new here, start with “Two Months Quiet” to understand why I disappearedāand what brought me back louder than before.
_______________________________________________________________
“This weekās discussion: Is sexual orientation an issue that society should be involved in?”
I woke up this week to a question that felt like a punch š„:
Is my life, my love, my family, a problem for society to solve?
The answer is simpleāit is not. But the question? Thatās violence. Wrapped up in a neat little academic bow š. What the fuck is all of this? How does it feel to see your life, your love, your family, reduced to a classroom thought experiment? To have your existence debated like itās a goddamn theory? And it pissed me the fuck off š”.
Right after I read the prompt, I got a text from my sonāmy self-proclaimed token straight kid. Heās 22, engaged, living on his own, driving for Amazon, navigating life. We chat most days while heās on the clock, and that day was no different. He asked if I was up for a call. I said sure, he could join me in my righteous indignation. Because sometimes, righteous anger is better when itās shared, even over the hum of a delivery van and the occasional āMom, breathe.ā š¤
The Framing Is the Problem š§Ø
Calling sexual orientation an āissueā isnāt just stupid. Itās pathologizing. Itās saying, without saying it, that something about meāabout my marriage, my love, my familyāis inherently wrong, inherently fixable, inherently up for debate.
I am a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community š. I am married to a woman I love with everything in me. I am a proud parent of two queer kids. My middle kid came out at 12, my youngest at 11āa solid five years before I fully accepted who I was. They inspire me every day. They havenāt had an easy road. My youngest has faced bullying because of their identity. But they never give up, and they teach me daily that itās okay to be who I am. Fuck what the world thinks.
And yet, I had to sit in a classroom and watch my familyās existence treated as a problem to be solved š«š.
From a psychological standpoint, sexual orientation arises from a complex mix of biology, hormones, and environment (OpenStax, 2020). It is not a choice. It is not a moral failing. It is not an academic puzzle š§¬š§ . And yet here we are: a discussion board where my humanity is framed as if society should have a say in whether I, we, exist.
āI am not a problem to be solved. I am here with a life to be lived. My love is not a case study. My family is not a project.ā š„
The Cost of This Framing š
And letās get one thing straight: framing orientation as a āsocietal issueā isnāt just a thought experimentāit kills ā ļø.
Approximately 40% of LGBTQ youth seriously consider suicide each year š
More than 12% attempt suicide annually ā ļø
Of those attempts, roughly 1ā2% tragically succeed š¢šāthatās thousands of kids lost
Transgender and nonbinary youth face even higher risk š³ļøāā§ļø
These arenāt just numbers. These are kids. Our kids. Someoneās kids. My kids š¶š. And youāre sitting there debating if their existence is an āissueā? What the actual fuck? š¤¬
Minority stress theory makes it clear: stigma, invalidation, and societal questioning of identity create chronic stress that kills (Meyer, 2003).
āWhen you frame sexual orientation as an ‘issue,’ youāre not having an intellectual discussion. Youāre contributing to the chronic stress that pushes kids toward the edge of life itself.ā ā”
Despite this, we endure. We thrive. We love fiercely ā¤ļøāš„. Our existence is resilience incarnate. šŖš
The Impossible Position šÆ
Then thereās the assignment itself. After posting, I was told to āreflect on my emotional responseā while reading peersā posts. Imagine being forced to analyze your own erasure, justify your rage š¤, and maintain professionalism while your existence is debated like a hypothetical.
And the fucking kicker? My professor shrugged: āWell, I donāt make the curriculum.ā š
No accountability. No responsibility. Just bureaucratic shrugging while livesāreal livesāare degraded. Bureaucracy over humanity, theory over existence. Aren’t we getting enough of that in mainstream media right now?
āTell me honestlyāwhat would it do to you, being forced to justify your own right to exist?ā š„
To the Folks in the Back Row š
If youāre in that psych class and scrolling past, hereās what I need you to hear:
I am not hypothetical
My wife is not a debate prompt
My children are not a thought experiment
When you click āpost replyā on a discussion board, youāre choosing whether to affirm or erase real people. Thatās not theory. Thatās impact ā”.
āI came out later in life. I spent decades hiding, performing straightness, suffocating under the weight of what society expected. And even nowāmarried, out, proudāI still have to defend my right to exist in a psychology classroom. What the actual fuck?ā š”
If you find yourself ready to reply with skepticism or dismissal, pause and ask:
Why am I so quick to judge lives that arenāt mine? š§
If Youāre Uncomfortableā¦ Good. š„
If reading this makes you squirm, roll your eyes š, clutch your pearls š³, or mutter āthis is too muchāāgood. That discomfort? Thatās your problem, not mine.
Because hereās the truth: if the existence of queer lives as valid, full, messy human beings makes you uncomfortable, maybe you are part of the problem. Maybe itās your assumptions, your biases, your unquestioned ānormalā that need a long, hard look š.
āIf this makes you uncomfortable, donāt scroll past. Sit with it. Ask why. That fire? Itās meant to burn the complacency right out of you.ā š„
I am not here to make you feel safe. I am here to make you think š”. To confront your bullshit. To remind you that my life, my love, my familyāare not up for debate. We already exist. And Iām done asking permission. šŖ
If You Need Support ā¤ļøāš©¹
If this post hits hardāanger, grief, fear, or something you canāt even nameāyou are not alone. You can reach out to trained, affirming support:
Crisis Support
The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386 | Text START to 678-678 | thetrevorproject.org/get-help
Trans Lifeline (peer support by and for trans people): US: 877-565-8860 | Canada: 877-330-6366 | translifeline.org
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (available 24/7, LGBTQ+ trained counselors)
For Parents of LGBTQ+ Kids
PFLAG (support, education, advocacy): pflag.org
Trevor Project Parent Resources: trevorproject.org/resources/guide/a-guide-for-parents-of-lgbtq-youth
Mental Health & Community
LGBT National Help Center: 1-888-843-4564 | glbtnearme.org
Psychology Today LGBTQ+ Therapist Directory: psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/gay
For Educators & Students
GLSEN: Resources for creating safer schools | glsen.org
The Safe Zone Project: Free online LGBTQ+ awareness training | thesafezoneproject.com
Community & Support
Mama Dragons: Support for moms of LGBTQ+ kids | mamadragons.org
Stand In Pride: Support for youth and families | standinpride.org
If youāre questioning your identity, not out yet, or navigating aloneāyour existence is not an issue. You do not owe explanations. Surviving today is enough. And tomorrow? We keep going. Together.
And if you need someone to hear you, witness your rage, grief, or fear, you can always reach out to me. I wonāt try to fix you. Iāll just see you šļøāšØļø.
āMy identity is not an issue. My love is not a problem. My family is not a thought experiment. We exist. And Iām fucking done asking permission.ā š„š„